Parenting Philosophy

Lazy Parenting Yields Frustrated Parent

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Paul Katz

Like most other parents, I try to fill my kids’ time with fun, engaging, and wherever possible, educational activities. We all know this is no easy task as there are just too many hours in some days. Kids can get bored too easily and there are only so many times you can hit those same favorite hot spots before someone has had all they can take. Quite often, I cross that threshold long before my kids do. So what can we do?

While the answer to that question can be elusive, too often I make the tragic mistake of attempting to do nothing. The deluge of bad weather systems lately and the seeming acceleration toward winter has been forcing us to stay home and get cozy. While these factors may have once yielded a pleasant, restful afternoon, now the prospect of keeping four year-old kids from boredom induced chaos makes such relaxation nearly impossible. Yet, I still try to pull it off sometimes.

It’s not that my kids require constant attention and engagement. It’s not that they are spoiled and always have something fun to do. We do our share of chores and tedious errands but these are at least actions that can forestall restlessness. If anything, I’m lucky that in many of these down-times, my twins have each other to play with. This tends to last for a short time, generally until they find something over which to compete. This can be absolutely anything, whether a coveted toy or something as seemingly competition-free as who gets to brush their teeth or get in the car first. In any case, when they aren’t engaged, the peace can be frustratingly short-lived.

I always know it’s going to happen. I see the tell-tale signs of trouble and get preemptively defensive. They start getting restless and chasing each other around at top speed, and we’re likely only moments away from some trivial offense changing one of those delightfully giddy laughs to a whiny complaint for which they’ll seek my intervention. Like every parent, we know our kids well and at times, can pessimistically predict this annoying future all-too-easily.

While I know all these things and have this (hardly) uncanny ability to predict the future, it never seems to stop me from attempting the lazy route yet again. I try to get away with doing nothing, hoping that this time, my kids will finally be good with it.  And yet, unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work – again. They get bored and annoyed, so predictably I start grumbling to myself and question why they can’t just be content. Of course, I know why – it’s because they are four year-olds. When engaged in an activity, they are content. When I’m being lazy in my parenting however, their energy is bound to boil over into chaos.

So when it comes time to plan the next activity, whether stuck in the house on a nasty day or not, I need to remember this inevitability. I need to do this for their sake as well as my own. I may not always want to be that entertainer, reader, game host, teacher, fort builder, puppeteer, etc., but if I take a moment to recognize the inevitable alternative, maybe next time I won’t repeat this all-too-frequent mistake. I need to remember that when I get lazy as a parent, through no fault of my kids, that eventually I’m going to get frustrated. It doesn’t take a constant, unsustainable, fun-filled agenda to avoid such a pitfall. Instead of thinking I can regress into pre-kid lazy mode where I could completely shut down, I need to recognize a new base level of activity that keeps my kids from driving each other, and me, crazy, for those moments of down time between more engaging activities. Ironically, I just have to stop trying so hard to be lazy.

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It’s Doable

Posted on September 26, 2012 by Paul Katz

I had a moment on Sunday. Rather, a seemingly trivial moment came and went but it has me thinking more and more ever since. All it took was a simple phrase that keeps resounding in my mind – “it’s doable.”

It was a moment not unlike so many others – just two proud fathers watching their sons playing soccer (or as close as 4 year-old kids get to it) on a sunny fall day. Among other things, we discussed a recent outing he had taken with his family. By going, they had deviated from their typical sleep schedule to let the kids experience an astronomy lesson and use a telescope on the observation deck of a science center. The overly-structured (read: controlling) dad in me instantly leaped out, almost defensively saying that we always try to keep our kids on their sleep schedule so I’d likely never take my kids there. He shrugged it off with a smirk, pointing out that they had a great time and slept just fine. Then he said those words…”it’s doable.”

Ever since then, I just keep thinking – yes, it IS doable. Of course it is. My kids aren’t those little babies who needed 14 hours of sleep anymore and I’m not the parent that is desperate for them to be asleep so I can finally rest. My little, fragile, utterly-dependent babies are now full-fledged kids.

I don’t change diapers anymore. I don’t go everywhere laden with various ointments, pacifiers, extra clothes, and strollers. I don’t cringe at the thought of forgetting something at the store, seething with frustration at the thought of spending a half hour to do something that should take five minutes. There are no cribs, no bouncy seats, no high chairs. All gone. Yet while I have shed all this excess baggage in a literal sense, it took just two simple words – “it’s doable” – to make me realize there’s still a little baggage – just figuratively.

I’m not suggesting that I just realized my kids aren’t babies. Believe me, each bit of baby infrastructure that I have cast off has been truly momentous. However, that apparently doesn’t stop me from hanging on to certain old habits – like my sleep fixation. Having weathered those early infant days as a parent of twins, perhaps this is some kind of mental defense mechanism – an automatic response to anything that encroaches upon that precious sleep. We’re fortunately a few years removed from the depressing blur of sleep-deprivation now. Yet as I demonstrated in my conversation that day on the soccer field, I still reflexively cling to the seemingly paramount, albeit outdated importance of a good night sleep.

How many other things am I doing that are just antiquated throw-backs to the bygone era of labor-intensive baby parenting? Or conversely, which have been those persistent strategies that contribute to our successes? Ideally, I’ll find a mix of each but by simply being conscious of these things going forward, I should be able to shed a bit more of that baggage yet. It’s doable.

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Get in the Picture

Posted on September 16, 2012 by Paul Katz

Remember the Fotomat? Remember film and the need for “reprints” if you wanted to share copies? Our kids certainly don’t have a clue as such relics make the obsolescence of 8-track players seem quaint by comparison. Photography has come a long way in our lifetimes, which is great for families that want to catalog all their wonderful moments for posterity.

However, there is one yet-undiscovered technological advance that continues to haunt me. I chase my kids around day after day, snapping shots and videos with such ease on my phone, able to review, save, or delete instantaneously. I don’t have to limit the pictures and hope to have captured the right shot after paying for development days later. In their four and half years, I likely have thousands of pictures of my kids, including hundreds that were snapped in rapid succession just in hopes of getting them to look and/or smile at the camera simultaneously. Yet for this overwhelming abundance of pictures and videos, there is one thing missing in 99.9% of them – me.

Now, this may sound like vanity, but I can assure you it is not. Rather, much of it stems my own relatively undocumented childhood. You see, my father died when I was young. He was a very busy man and I was the third kid, so like so many other non-firstborns, there isn’t the same glut of baby pictures or documentation of childhood firsts. As a result, I have only one picture of myself alone with my father – a grainy, off-center snapshot hastily taken at the kitchen table when I was about three years old. Speaking as a former kid, this just isn’t enough.

Now that I am a parent, this has helped me to realize the the potential benefits of something so simple – just getting in more pictures. I may not know everything but I’m fairly certain that I’m mortal. It may be nice to have a million cute pics of your kids to share with relatives and friends, posting on Facebook for those “likes” and obligatory compliments that you’ll receive. There can be so much more to those pictures though. Be proud and show off your kids but recognize that one day, ideally so many decades from now, they’ll want to remember those same shared memories that you had cherished all your life. As adults, your kids may appreciate how cute they once were climbing on a playground, but they’ll appreciate it infinitely more to see you there with them.

If I practice what I preach here, my kids will have ample evidence and pictures to spur their memories long after I’m gone. Again, this could easily be construed as vanity on my part. Yes, of course I want them to remember me fondly – who wouldn’t? This is hardly the point though. They can remember every mistake I have made, every time I lost my temper, every time I acted contrary to what I have espoused in these pages. If they live their lives knowing I loved them unconditionally, then I’m fine with that. So if “a picture is worth a thousand words” as the saying goes, then giving my kids several thousand from me is the least I can do to help them remember.

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Write About It

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Paul Katz

I started this blog originally as a way to document my insights and tips on parenting as well as to diversify for my freelance writing work. What I didn’t fully grasp, however, was how the blog itself might actually make me a better dad. While it might not be the best approach for everyone, it nonetheless has uncovered a potentially useful strategy that can make us all better parents – just write about it.

Aside from the benefit of looking back at my successes and failures (there have been many) of various parenting approaches and tips, I often find myself thinking about future topics or discussing new ideas with my wife and friends. This tends to keep good parenting top of mind and when I suddenly find myself slipping into bad habits, I recalibrate. It also makes me strive to come up with new ideas for activities with my kids, keeping in mind that it’s not just about filling time in a given day. It’s about doing something constructive for their development, yet thankfully and unexpectedly, it has been constructive for my development as a parent. This is not to say that every moment of every day is filled with enlightened educational or developmental activities but when there is a choice between what is easy and what is good, I find myself more often choosing the latter – if/when I happen to have any energy left.

It doesn’t have to be a blog, a book, or even a structured journal. Jot down an occasional thought on a post-it note. Keep a pad in your pocket. Email yourself or log an occasional idea into your phone. The benefit doesn’t come from writing for public consumption; it comes from the intrinsic value of introspection and critical analysis. Just as a quarterback watches hours of game film, he is able to improve by having the means to review strengths and weaknesses. Such anecdotal scrutiny not only provides the basis for the next game plan but, equally important, brings the necessary confidence to the players. Those that are at the top of their profession rarely (if ever) get there with just natural ability alone. They get there by constantly training and striving to be better. I’m a professional parent, so I can relate to that.

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Questions???

Posted on September 2, 2012 by Paul Katz

Does having 4.5 year old twins result in a near-constant barrage of questions? Yes. Can it get a little frustrating at times? Absolutely. Would I change it? No way.

I want my kids to ask a lot of questions. Naturally, I want them to be curious about absolutely everything as this implies a quest for knowledge – one that I hope will continue their entire lives. While it’s true that such questions – varying from the mundane to profound – can often be difficult to answer, I always want to constructively respond. By the evening after a long day, I try (often unsuccessfully) to remind myself of this when my patience runs short. Much to my dismay however, I don’t seem to know everything…yet. Quite on the contrary, my kids constantly remind me how little I know. Much like them though, I am learning every day, and it’s important that they realize that too.

As parents, perhaps we strive to maintain our credibility and authority in our kids’ eyes and, while there may be value in doing so, we don’t necessarily diminish that credibility by admitting that we don’t have all the answers. Instead, it can present an opportunity to show that learning should be a constant endeavor and a gratifying part of the human experience. In many cases, it could certainly be easier to make up a cute or overly-simplified answer (e.g. thunder is god bowling) but in the long run, such responses could suppress a child’s natural curiosity or ultimately diminish your credibility once a scientific reason is learned later.

Instead of taking the easy way out, think of every question as an opportunity. Even if you know the answer, ask questions right back to help your child arrive at an answer him/herself. Obviously, this isn’t always possible but it can broaden the conversation and help to boost deductive reasoning skills. If you’re not sure of an answer or can’t explain something in terms that he/she might understand, suggest that you can research it together. Make it an excuse to get a book on the subject at the library or to look something up together online. Show your child that when you don’t fully understand something, that you want to learn more about it too. Don’t be content to leave questions unanswered as your follow through can demonstrate a thirst for knowledge, perseverance, and a commitment to a life of learning.

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Pivotal Time of Year

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Paul Katz

It’s mid-August, camp is over, and preschool will start again in a few weeks. It would be easy to get wrapped up in keeping the kids busy for all this time, packing in all the summer fun that I can – and I will. However, I also need to keep in mind that there is much more looming on the horizon. The school forms are a constant reminder of this, atop my to-do pile of all the things I already haven’t found time to complete. Of course, I’ll get to everything eventually but if we can take some time to consider all the longer-term decisions, we can knock them out more efficiently and without anything missing my attention due in haste.

It might make me more anxious at first, realizing that it’s not just a matter of getting immunization records updated or submitting school forms. It’s not just a series of tasks – it’s change management. Over the coming weeks, I don’t just want to get things done, I want to prepare my family for the new normal – new schedules, new teachers, new activities, new friends, new parents, new responsibilities, ad infinitum. Well, at least those forms feel relatively less daunting now.

Whether I want to face it or not, change will happen, so it’s best that I consider any potential pitfalls to better cope with any eventualities. Knowing myself (as my wife certainly seems to), I always need to keep in mind that we are partners in this, never adversaries. It’s always those times when I’m most stressed that I feel like I am doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, and constantly putting my kids first. That’s when I have to remember that she can always make the same claim. And the fact is, we’d both be right. Whatever hypothetical tally of chores and sacrifices we might have worked up in our heads, the score is always tied. When I finally recognize that, it’s no longer even an apt metaphor – we’re on the same team.

This year we’ll take a deliberate approach. Instead of just stacking up and checking off the to-do list, we’ll have a strategy session. We’ll pick a night next week, put the kids to bed, leave the television off, and open a bottle of wine. My wife will undoubtedly and nerd-ily want to take notes and create some kind of chart/project timeline, and I’ll try unsuccessfully to keep my sarcastic comments to a minimum. We’ll figure out all of the various tasks that need to be done and responsibilities to be delegated, voicing our concerns about our workloads and limitations so that we can appreciate the other’s perspective. We’ll discuss how to prepare the kids for the various changes, sharing any apprehensions, so that we can both help them get excited about what is coming. All the tasks will get done – they always do – so this time I’ll try to embrace change. I’ll go against all my usual inclinations as this is what parenting requires, whether I like it or not.

I guess we’ll see if the plan works.

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