Posts Tagged With: kids

Lazy Parenting Yields Frustrated Parent

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Paul Katz

Like most other parents, I try to fill my kids’ time with fun, engaging, and wherever possible, educational activities. We all know this is no easy task as there are just too many hours in some days. Kids can get bored too easily and there are only so many times you can hit those same favorite hot spots before someone has had all they can take. Quite often, I cross that threshold long before my kids do. So what can we do?

While the answer to that question can be elusive, too often I make the tragic mistake of attempting to do nothing. The deluge of bad weather systems lately and the seeming acceleration toward winter has been forcing us to stay home and get cozy. While these factors may have once yielded a pleasant, restful afternoon, now the prospect of keeping four year-old kids from boredom induced chaos makes such relaxation nearly impossible. Yet, I still try to pull it off sometimes.

It’s not that my kids require constant attention and engagement. It’s not that they are spoiled and always have something fun to do. We do our share of chores and tedious errands but these are at least actions that can forestall restlessness. If anything, I’m lucky that in many of these down-times, my twins have each other to play with. This tends to last for a short time, generally until they find something over which to compete. This can be absolutely anything, whether a coveted toy or something as seemingly competition-free as who gets to brush their teeth or get in the car first. In any case, when they aren’t engaged, the peace can be frustratingly short-lived.

I always know it’s going to happen. I see the tell-tale signs of trouble and get preemptively defensive. They start getting restless and chasing each other around at top speed, and we’re likely only moments away from some trivial offense changing one of those delightfully giddy laughs to a whiny complaint for which they’ll seek my intervention. Like every parent, we know our kids well and at times, can pessimistically predict this annoying future all-too-easily.

While I know all these things and have this (hardly) uncanny ability to predict the future, it never seems to stop me from attempting the lazy route yet again. I try to get away with doing nothing, hoping that this time, my kids will finally be good with it.  And yet, unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work – again. They get bored and annoyed, so predictably I start grumbling to myself and question why they can’t just be content. Of course, I know why – it’s because they are four year-olds. When engaged in an activity, they are content. When I’m being lazy in my parenting however, their energy is bound to boil over into chaos.

So when it comes time to plan the next activity, whether stuck in the house on a nasty day or not, I need to remember this inevitability. I need to do this for their sake as well as my own. I may not always want to be that entertainer, reader, game host, teacher, fort builder, puppeteer, etc., but if I take a moment to recognize the inevitable alternative, maybe next time I won’t repeat this all-too-frequent mistake. I need to remember that when I get lazy as a parent, through no fault of my kids, that eventually I’m going to get frustrated. It doesn’t take a constant, unsustainable, fun-filled agenda to avoid such a pitfall. Instead of thinking I can regress into pre-kid lazy mode where I could completely shut down, I need to recognize a new base level of activity that keeps my kids from driving each other, and me, crazy, for those moments of down time between more engaging activities. Ironically, I just have to stop trying so hard to be lazy.

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It’s Doable

Posted on September 26, 2012 by Paul Katz

I had a moment on Sunday. Rather, a seemingly trivial moment came and went but it has me thinking more and more ever since. All it took was a simple phrase that keeps resounding in my mind – “it’s doable.”

It was a moment not unlike so many others – just two proud fathers watching their sons playing soccer (or as close as 4 year-old kids get to it) on a sunny fall day. Among other things, we discussed a recent outing he had taken with his family. By going, they had deviated from their typical sleep schedule to let the kids experience an astronomy lesson and use a telescope on the observation deck of a science center. The overly-structured (read: controlling) dad in me instantly leaped out, almost defensively saying that we always try to keep our kids on their sleep schedule so I’d likely never take my kids there. He shrugged it off with a smirk, pointing out that they had a great time and slept just fine. Then he said those words…”it’s doable.”

Ever since then, I just keep thinking – yes, it IS doable. Of course it is. My kids aren’t those little babies who needed 14 hours of sleep anymore and I’m not the parent that is desperate for them to be asleep so I can finally rest. My little, fragile, utterly-dependent babies are now full-fledged kids.

I don’t change diapers anymore. I don’t go everywhere laden with various ointments, pacifiers, extra clothes, and strollers. I don’t cringe at the thought of forgetting something at the store, seething with frustration at the thought of spending a half hour to do something that should take five minutes. There are no cribs, no bouncy seats, no high chairs. All gone. Yet while I have shed all this excess baggage in a literal sense, it took just two simple words – “it’s doable” – to make me realize there’s still a little baggage – just figuratively.

I’m not suggesting that I just realized my kids aren’t babies. Believe me, each bit of baby infrastructure that I have cast off has been truly momentous. However, that apparently doesn’t stop me from hanging on to certain old habits – like my sleep fixation. Having weathered those early infant days as a parent of twins, perhaps this is some kind of mental defense mechanism – an automatic response to anything that encroaches upon that precious sleep. We’re fortunately a few years removed from the depressing blur of sleep-deprivation now. Yet as I demonstrated in my conversation that day on the soccer field, I still reflexively cling to the seemingly paramount, albeit outdated importance of a good night sleep.

How many other things am I doing that are just antiquated throw-backs to the bygone era of labor-intensive baby parenting? Or conversely, which have been those persistent strategies that contribute to our successes? Ideally, I’ll find a mix of each but by simply being conscious of these things going forward, I should be able to shed a bit more of that baggage yet. It’s doable.

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Get in the Picture

Posted on September 16, 2012 by Paul Katz

Remember the Fotomat? Remember film and the need for “reprints” if you wanted to share copies? Our kids certainly don’t have a clue as such relics make the obsolescence of 8-track players seem quaint by comparison. Photography has come a long way in our lifetimes, which is great for families that want to catalog all their wonderful moments for posterity.

However, there is one yet-undiscovered technological advance that continues to haunt me. I chase my kids around day after day, snapping shots and videos with such ease on my phone, able to review, save, or delete instantaneously. I don’t have to limit the pictures and hope to have captured the right shot after paying for development days later. In their four and half years, I likely have thousands of pictures of my kids, including hundreds that were snapped in rapid succession just in hopes of getting them to look and/or smile at the camera simultaneously. Yet for this overwhelming abundance of pictures and videos, there is one thing missing in 99.9% of them – me.

Now, this may sound like vanity, but I can assure you it is not. Rather, much of it stems my own relatively undocumented childhood. You see, my father died when I was young. He was a very busy man and I was the third kid, so like so many other non-firstborns, there isn’t the same glut of baby pictures or documentation of childhood firsts. As a result, I have only one picture of myself alone with my father – a grainy, off-center snapshot hastily taken at the kitchen table when I was about three years old. Speaking as a former kid, this just isn’t enough.

Now that I am a parent, this has helped me to realize the the potential benefits of something so simple – just getting in more pictures. I may not know everything but I’m fairly certain that I’m mortal. It may be nice to have a million cute pics of your kids to share with relatives and friends, posting on Facebook for those “likes” and obligatory compliments that you’ll receive. There can be so much more to those pictures though. Be proud and show off your kids but recognize that one day, ideally so many decades from now, they’ll want to remember those same shared memories that you had cherished all your life. As adults, your kids may appreciate how cute they once were climbing on a playground, but they’ll appreciate it infinitely more to see you there with them.

If I practice what I preach here, my kids will have ample evidence and pictures to spur their memories long after I’m gone. Again, this could easily be construed as vanity on my part. Yes, of course I want them to remember me fondly – who wouldn’t? This is hardly the point though. They can remember every mistake I have made, every time I lost my temper, every time I acted contrary to what I have espoused in these pages. If they live their lives knowing I loved them unconditionally, then I’m fine with that. So if “a picture is worth a thousand words” as the saying goes, then giving my kids several thousand from me is the least I can do to help them remember.

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Questions???

Posted on September 2, 2012 by Paul Katz

Does having 4.5 year old twins result in a near-constant barrage of questions? Yes. Can it get a little frustrating at times? Absolutely. Would I change it? No way.

I want my kids to ask a lot of questions. Naturally, I want them to be curious about absolutely everything as this implies a quest for knowledge – one that I hope will continue their entire lives. While it’s true that such questions – varying from the mundane to profound – can often be difficult to answer, I always want to constructively respond. By the evening after a long day, I try (often unsuccessfully) to remind myself of this when my patience runs short. Much to my dismay however, I don’t seem to know everything…yet. Quite on the contrary, my kids constantly remind me how little I know. Much like them though, I am learning every day, and it’s important that they realize that too.

As parents, perhaps we strive to maintain our credibility and authority in our kids’ eyes and, while there may be value in doing so, we don’t necessarily diminish that credibility by admitting that we don’t have all the answers. Instead, it can present an opportunity to show that learning should be a constant endeavor and a gratifying part of the human experience. In many cases, it could certainly be easier to make up a cute or overly-simplified answer (e.g. thunder is god bowling) but in the long run, such responses could suppress a child’s natural curiosity or ultimately diminish your credibility once a scientific reason is learned later.

Instead of taking the easy way out, think of every question as an opportunity. Even if you know the answer, ask questions right back to help your child arrive at an answer him/herself. Obviously, this isn’t always possible but it can broaden the conversation and help to boost deductive reasoning skills. If you’re not sure of an answer or can’t explain something in terms that he/she might understand, suggest that you can research it together. Make it an excuse to get a book on the subject at the library or to look something up together online. Show your child that when you don’t fully understand something, that you want to learn more about it too. Don’t be content to leave questions unanswered as your follow through can demonstrate a thirst for knowledge, perseverance, and a commitment to a life of learning.

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Consignment time is here

Posted on August 29, 2012 by Paul Katz

‘Tis the season for consignment sales. Some don’t like the idea of second-hand clothing but I’m certainly not one of those people. While it’s safe to say that my overly-frugal tendencies have been well-documented in previous posts, used clothing isn’t just about saving money. For our family, it’s also one of the best ways to recycle and reduce waste.

More recently, I’ve been lucky enough to make some great friends who have kids slightly bigger than mine, unleashing a wave of incredible hand-me-downs and mitigating a lot of our shopping. This is obviously an ideal situation as it allows us to benefit greatly and our friends get to hollow out their storage a bit. However, this option wasn’t always available to us and because of new activities on the horizon (e.g. ballet and soccer), I’m reminded of our shopping fundamentals and our strategy to fill in any blanks that might still remain. Much like the grocery shopping strategy, time and money can be saved (and waste reduced) by simply assessing your needs ahead of time and planning accordingly.

Consider how your kids wear clothes and out-grow them. Then think about some of the clothes in your closet. Most of my clothes are older than my kids. Admittedly, I have no style but it demonstrates the point that my clothes are still perfectly wearable after six months, just as my kids’ out-grown clothes are. I also think how my kids tend (inexplicably) towards certain shirts while other sit untouched in their drawers day after day. Consignment sales are full of such relatively unworn clothes, often available for cents on the dollar. Until my kids are old enough to clamor for some awful, peer-pressure-induced, must-have styles or brands that will inevitably happen in the future (e.g. I think of designer jeans or Air Jordans from my youth), I’ll save every penny I can on their clothing now.

Depending on your preference or location, you’ll likely have several options to find all the stuff your kids need. Keep an eye on your favorite parenting or local news sources and you’re bound to see some upcoming mega-consignment events or check a site like this to find one near you. There also may be dedicated consignment shops in your area, where occasional trips can yield a lot of great deals. There are even online consignment shops now. If you do have a local consignment store, it’s also worth noting the value of periodic trips there, as parents just like you clean out their kids’ closets at different times, providing fresher inventory and the ongoing potential for newer and greater deals.

Before you buy anything or check out any stores/sales though, start by taking an inventory of your kids’ upcoming needs. Consider how quickly they have been out-growing clothes and think about the upcoming seasons and sizes.  Make a comprehensive list of everything they’ll need over the upcoming months, going beyond just clothes (if applicable). For example, consider those activities in which they will enroll so you can preemptively get their gear (e.g. shin guards for soccer, ballet shoes, or a backpack for school). By considering all the additional pieces as well as the clothes, you can ideally get everything in one shot rather than dragging this process out over weeks and months.

If you don’t have anyone to whom you can pass along your kids out-grown clothes and toys, you might want to consign some/all of them as well. Aside from making a few bucks back that you had previously spent, you can recycle these items and dollars to offset your latest purchases. Additionally, at many of the consignment events, selling your own items often gives you first “dibs” or a preview shopping day ahead of the event being open to the public, providing even greater value and selection. Similarly, in the case of dedicated consignment stores, bringing in these out-grown items may provide a rolling credit to be used in future visits. For example, I just picked up those shin guards and two pairs of snow pants (yeah, I know it’s August) yesterday at our local consignment shop. While I would have spent only a whopping $18 for all three, I had a credit from some stuff that had sold over the previous months, so my out-of-pocket cost was exactly $0. By considering well in advance what my kids’ needs would be, I’m now set for the next several months and miraculously, I spent nothing to do it. Interestingly, if I had bought these things new, I’d likely have bought cheaper/flimsier brands than I ended up getting at the consignment store, so my kids instead get more durable clothing and I save $50+.

Kids will inevitably bring expenses that you never considered in your earlier, kid-free days but planning ahead and saving where you can will leave you with more money for those things later that can’t be bargain shopped. In the process, you can also teach valuable lessons to them about conservation and reducing waste that will ideally stay with them, providing them with environmental consciousness and a foundation for future savings. Everyone wins.

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The Grocery Strategy Revealed

Posted on August 26, 2012 by Paul Katz

Following the post on reducing waste and saving money, I have been considering my approach to grocery shopping. This is an in-depth look at ways to save on our grocery bills and get the most efficient use of what we buy. While these can all be useful, implementing even just a few of these tips can help us get the most out of our food budget.

1. Plan and shop once a week – Aside from saving on gas with few trips to the store, I plan our meals in advance for the week. Keeping our “menu” on our kitchen chalkboard, I check the fridge and pantry for all the ingredients I’ll need and add any missing ones to our grocery list. At the store, I don’t deviate from my list, ensuring that I only get what we’ll need; eliminating impulse buys entirely.

2. Coupons/buying in bulk – In my younger days, I’d often get creative with new meal ideas but with finicky-eating kids now, that has changed a bit. I have a good sense of what they like and don’t like, so viable dinner ideas are more limited. Therefore, when there is an opportunity to get a staple ingredient cheaply with a coupon or by buying in bulk, I don’t hesitate. As long as items aren’t perishable (or can be frozen) and I know they’ll be incorporated into a meal eventually, I buy where there is greater value. For me, I always look more closely at the per-unit cost than the total price. If I’m buying more at a better price, those ingredients simply won’t need to be put on future grocery lists and I’ll have gotten them at a lower cost. This is where a membership at a wholesale club (e.g. Sam’s Club, Costco, BJ’s, etc.) can be advantageous too.

3. Consider “day 2” – If you’re making a big family dinner each night, think ahead about what will be left over. Could the rest be another good reheated dinner the following night? Can my wife take some to work for her lunch? I often make our favorite baked penne recipe with this in mind. Aside from being great for leftovers, I also don’t have to cook the next night – an added bonus that any parent can love. Consider the last bite of the meal along with the first and make an effort to throw away as little of it as possible.

4. Consider the total cost of each meal – Do a quick tally of the ingredients in your favorite/most frequent meals. You may find that some are pricier while others are cheaper. Having this mind when making your menu can save you a few extra dollars per week, which adds up quickly. You can also consider a weekly meatless dinner. This is recommended by researchers for better health, by environmentalists for conservation, and by me for cost reasons.

5. Track spending over time – View your bank statements online over a two or three month period and look for your transactions from your grocery store. Your costs will fluctuate from week to week, particularly if/when you buy things in bulk, so take a larger sample and get an average cost per week. Do the same quick analysis once a month to check your progress. If any of this makes you feel excessively cheap, then make yourself feel better by putting your savings toward a special outing with your kids.

These are just some of the ways that we can all save money and reduce waste, though I’m sure there are many others that I have yet to consider. What are some of your strategies?

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Quick Tip

Posted on August 18, 2012 by Paul Katz

These days, most of us have a camera on our cell phone, often used to snap a quick shot of how cute our kids look at any given moment. With this in mind, here’s a quick tip on how else we can use this technology to help ensure our kids’ safety and give ourselves some peace of mind.

Next time you take your kids on an outing, whether to a zoo, park, or any other fun destination where they might roam around, take a quick picture of each of them before you go or when you are waiting in line to get in. As parents, we all have fears about our kids running off or worse, being taken, but having a picture of them handy could ultimately be quite helpful. Amidst your potential panic, you’ll have a current picture, showing exactly how they look and what they are wearing on that particular day – the details of which might otherwise be difficult to recall in such a stressful moment.

Whether you are paranoid about “stranger danger” or simply have multiple, active kids that may tend to go off in different directions, such a practice can help (perhaps only minimally) to allay your fears while being a practical use of the technology that resides in your pocket regardless of whether it is ever used.

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