Posts Tagged With: parenting philosophy

Ask the Kids First

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Paul Katz

Another day has gone by and another valuable lesson learned. While I’d like to say that I imparted some great wisdom on my kids, they have proven once again that they can often have a greater ability to teach me than the other way around. So what did these brilliant four-year olds teach me this time? That I need to start asking them first.

We’ve all been there, realizing on our way out the door that we need some additional, integral this-or-that for the upcoming outing. In my latest instance, that must-have was mittens. While the kids are otherwise ready to go, I frantically search, feeling as though I have already checked every place twice to no avail. I look in places that they would never be, because I’ve already looked twice in all the usual spots. The frustration mounts and time ticks by, so now the assumption of lateness piles on – the lack of preparation so evident in this fruitless search. A few grunts and heavy sighs are emitted, the slightest venting of that parentally-supressed anger in a feeble attempt to forestall completely losing it.

This time though, teetering on that precipice, the vicious cycle was broken. My salvation came from my four-year old daughter, who sweetly asked what I was looking for. In a far too gruff and frustrated response, I barked back “I’m looking for your mittens…sweetie” – the delayed endearment a lame attempt to somehow mask my unwarranted tone. Instantly, she tells me they are in pouch on her bike. Mystery solved. Sanity recovered. Epiphany reached.

I realize now, that over these past few years I have grown accustomed to being the finder of lost things (most of which I lost initially), preparer of meals and agenda, launderer, and the all-around go-to guy for the kids’ stuff. All of these tiny little tasks and chores culminate in the quintessential stay-at-home parenting experience, yet they have fortified a routine of  mindlessly getting things done just so we can move on to the next task. Particularly in those moments of frustration, when I have a million things to do and feel like I just have to get it all done, it’s the perfect opportunity to get my kids more involved.

I have to stop thinking that every task is mine alone to complete as this simply isn’t the case anymore. I have kids now, not babies – little people that can think, react, and yes, help. The seemingly endless daily chores need not be entirely parent-centric as  they continue to take more responsibility for their actions and contribute to the household.  These new skills, whether seemingly minor or major, are all part of a glorious trend toward self-sufficiency. And while this is certainly a common parental goal that we all share, we can both marvel at our kids’ development and also celebrate the impact it also has on our own lives. It’s a small step toward a much larger, and ideally lifelong, trend. As a family, we’re all in this together and despite the myriad motivations, whether selfless or selfish, our goals are still perfectly aligned. I’m proud of every step my kids have taken but I shouldn’t be ashamed that my life becomes easier with each one too. While it’s utterly magnificent that my sweet little girl showed empathy and a desire to help – traits that I’ll always try to instill in her, a little sliver of my sanity could have been preserved this time if I had only asked her first where those mittens were. I won’t make that mistake again. My kids aren’t the only ones growing up here.

Categories: Introspection, SAHD/SAHM tips | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Case Study of a Compliment

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Paul Katz

I don’t deal very well with compliments. I can dish them out but I can’t take them. Rather than just being gracious, I often find myself trying to introspectively debunk a compliment rather than just accept it. No doubt, I completely over-think it but I wonder, is this emblematic of the self-doubt most parents face? Ultimately, I come to my senses and just accept the compliment but in the meantime, I seem to question every bit of it in much greater depth than any casual comment should ever warrant. With this in mind, here is a bit of a case study showing the lengthy thought process of an overly introspective and sometimes regrettably cynical stay-at-home dad:

Once in a while, I am told by a complete stranger that I am a “good dad.” Bear in mind, I don’t even feel very comfortable admitting that this happens since it sounds invariably like bragging, but my deconstruction here will show that I derive more far more shame than pride by doing so. In any case, complaining about compliments may forever brand me as an ungracious jerk, but perhaps that’s exactly what I have become.

There are a few ways my über-cynicism can deflect such an innocuous compliment as “you’re a good dad.” The first is to simply dismiss it, letting my own reflexive self-doubt discount such a nicety. I may think to myself, “I look like a good dad right now, but I’ll look quite different at the end of the day when the kids are running around crazed and I’m just trying frantically to get dinner ready.”  This is always an easy deflection, as I assume this friendly stranger is just catching a glimpse of me at the top of my game. Anyone can look like a great parent at the right moment, just as great parents can look awful if you catch them at the height of their frustration.

Another way to deflect such a compliment is to question its inspiration. Here is where my cynicism can get a bit convoluted depending which direction I take it. Am I seen as a good parent just because my kids aren’t being disruptive or running around? If so, does having compliant kids really make me a good parent or rather just an effective disciplinarian? If the latter, is that even a good thing or might I be raising followers that will never question abusive authority later in life? See? I told you I don’t deal well with compliments.

Yet another way to deflect this is to question the perspective of the source. This is where I switch gears from self-centered to radical cynic. As nice and genuine as a comment may be, I wonder if a mother would get the same compliment. Is it that I’m simply seen as a good dad by some because of (albeit diminishing) social norms that expect fathers to be less hands-on than mothers? If so, I resent the implication rather than appreciating what is almost certainly just a nice compliment. But if it’s true that the same person wouldn’t make a similar compliment to a mother, then am I wrong? I strive to be a good parent, and if the prevailing expectations for fathers are less than for mothers, then I have somehow managed to interpret what may be a genuine compliment as an insult instead. My special blend of egocentrism and self-doubt then yields an unspoken judgment on a stranger who has gone out of his/her way to pay me a compliment. My cynicism seemingly knows no bounds.

To be clear, it’s not that I think I’m a bad father. I believe I’m a pretty good one, actually, though it’s a distinction that will ebb and flow over the course of any given day. At some points I’m definitely too hard on myself but at other times, I’m probably far too conceited. Whatever the implications may be to my vacillating confidence and the mood-driven seesaw battle between egomania and cynicism, I do get past it. Once I work this all out in my head, I can conclude the absurdity of my introspection (as writing about it has accomplished here), and just accept that a nice person gave me a warm and unsolicited compliment. If I choose to mangle it into something sinister, that’s entirely on me. Maybe I’m a good dad. Maybe I’m a good parent. Maybe I’m a horrible person. In any case, by acknowledging these possibilities, I can improve regardless.

I don’t do these things to beat myself up, though perhaps I’m rationalizing. Instead, I simply try to think critically about anything I do, whether it’s my budgeting, grocery shopping, or my personal behavior, so that I can always seek improvement. I can’t teach critical thinking skills to my kids if I don’t first possess them myself. And, since we all strive to give our kids the best things in life, shouldn’t our best selves be at the top of that list?

Categories: Introspection | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Write About It

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Paul Katz

I started this blog originally as a way to document my insights and tips on parenting as well as to diversify for my freelance writing work. What I didn’t fully grasp, however, was how the blog itself might actually make me a better dad. While it might not be the best approach for everyone, it nonetheless has uncovered a potentially useful strategy that can make us all better parents – just write about it.

Aside from the benefit of looking back at my successes and failures (there have been many) of various parenting approaches and tips, I often find myself thinking about future topics or discussing new ideas with my wife and friends. This tends to keep good parenting top of mind and when I suddenly find myself slipping into bad habits, I recalibrate. It also makes me strive to come up with new ideas for activities with my kids, keeping in mind that it’s not just about filling time in a given day. It’s about doing something constructive for their development, yet thankfully and unexpectedly, it has been constructive for my development as a parent. This is not to say that every moment of every day is filled with enlightened educational or developmental activities but when there is a choice between what is easy and what is good, I find myself more often choosing the latter – if/when I happen to have any energy left.

It doesn’t have to be a blog, a book, or even a structured journal. Jot down an occasional thought on a post-it note. Keep a pad in your pocket. Email yourself or log an occasional idea into your phone. The benefit doesn’t come from writing for public consumption; it comes from the intrinsic value of introspection and critical analysis. Just as a quarterback watches hours of game film, he is able to improve by having the means to review strengths and weaknesses. Such anecdotal scrutiny not only provides the basis for the next game plan but, equally important, brings the necessary confidence to the players. Those that are at the top of their profession rarely (if ever) get there with just natural ability alone. They get there by constantly training and striving to be better. I’m a professional parent, so I can relate to that.

Categories: Parenting Philosophy, SAHD/SAHM tips | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Questions???

Posted on September 2, 2012 by Paul Katz

Does having 4.5 year old twins result in a near-constant barrage of questions? Yes. Can it get a little frustrating at times? Absolutely. Would I change it? No way.

I want my kids to ask a lot of questions. Naturally, I want them to be curious about absolutely everything as this implies a quest for knowledge – one that I hope will continue their entire lives. While it’s true that such questions – varying from the mundane to profound – can often be difficult to answer, I always want to constructively respond. By the evening after a long day, I try (often unsuccessfully) to remind myself of this when my patience runs short. Much to my dismay however, I don’t seem to know everything…yet. Quite on the contrary, my kids constantly remind me how little I know. Much like them though, I am learning every day, and it’s important that they realize that too.

As parents, perhaps we strive to maintain our credibility and authority in our kids’ eyes and, while there may be value in doing so, we don’t necessarily diminish that credibility by admitting that we don’t have all the answers. Instead, it can present an opportunity to show that learning should be a constant endeavor and a gratifying part of the human experience. In many cases, it could certainly be easier to make up a cute or overly-simplified answer (e.g. thunder is god bowling) but in the long run, such responses could suppress a child’s natural curiosity or ultimately diminish your credibility once a scientific reason is learned later.

Instead of taking the easy way out, think of every question as an opportunity. Even if you know the answer, ask questions right back to help your child arrive at an answer him/herself. Obviously, this isn’t always possible but it can broaden the conversation and help to boost deductive reasoning skills. If you’re not sure of an answer or can’t explain something in terms that he/she might understand, suggest that you can research it together. Make it an excuse to get a book on the subject at the library or to look something up together online. Show your child that when you don’t fully understand something, that you want to learn more about it too. Don’t be content to leave questions unanswered as your follow through can demonstrate a thirst for knowledge, perseverance, and a commitment to a life of learning.

Categories: Parenting Philosophy, SAHD/SAHM tips | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Pivotal Time of Year

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Paul Katz

It’s mid-August, camp is over, and preschool will start again in a few weeks. It would be easy to get wrapped up in keeping the kids busy for all this time, packing in all the summer fun that I can – and I will. However, I also need to keep in mind that there is much more looming on the horizon. The school forms are a constant reminder of this, atop my to-do pile of all the things I already haven’t found time to complete. Of course, I’ll get to everything eventually but if we can take some time to consider all the longer-term decisions, we can knock them out more efficiently and without anything missing my attention due in haste.

It might make me more anxious at first, realizing that it’s not just a matter of getting immunization records updated or submitting school forms. It’s not just a series of tasks – it’s change management. Over the coming weeks, I don’t just want to get things done, I want to prepare my family for the new normal – new schedules, new teachers, new activities, new friends, new parents, new responsibilities, ad infinitum. Well, at least those forms feel relatively less daunting now.

Whether I want to face it or not, change will happen, so it’s best that I consider any potential pitfalls to better cope with any eventualities. Knowing myself (as my wife certainly seems to), I always need to keep in mind that we are partners in this, never adversaries. It’s always those times when I’m most stressed that I feel like I am doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, and constantly putting my kids first. That’s when I have to remember that she can always make the same claim. And the fact is, we’d both be right. Whatever hypothetical tally of chores and sacrifices we might have worked up in our heads, the score is always tied. When I finally recognize that, it’s no longer even an apt metaphor – we’re on the same team.

This year we’ll take a deliberate approach. Instead of just stacking up and checking off the to-do list, we’ll have a strategy session. We’ll pick a night next week, put the kids to bed, leave the television off, and open a bottle of wine. My wife will undoubtedly and nerd-ily want to take notes and create some kind of chart/project timeline, and I’ll try unsuccessfully to keep my sarcastic comments to a minimum. We’ll figure out all of the various tasks that need to be done and responsibilities to be delegated, voicing our concerns about our workloads and limitations so that we can appreciate the other’s perspective. We’ll discuss how to prepare the kids for the various changes, sharing any apprehensions, so that we can both help them get excited about what is coming. All the tasks will get done – they always do – so this time I’ll try to embrace change. I’ll go against all my usual inclinations as this is what parenting requires, whether I like it or not.

I guess we’ll see if the plan works.

Categories: Parenting Philosophy | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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